waaaaaangs

I love wings.  Traditional buffalo style bits of saucy chickeney goodness?  That's the way to my heart.

Lately thought, I've managed to have a real run of nasty wings.  It is, indeed, possible to screw them up.  They've been overdone, dry, and just disgusting.  I like tasty and moist and dripping with saucy wings!  So, as I've been known to do?  I made my own.

Here's my sauce recipe so far.  It's still under construction, but it's pretty damn good so far.

You'll need:
2 sticks butter y'all.  I prefer salted, but unsalted will work too.
1 cup hot sauce.  Don't laugh, but WalMart's version of Frank's is PERFECT, with no added water like its namesake.  And it's literally 1/3 of the price!
2 Tablespoons plain white vinegar
1 Tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1/8 - 1/4 tsp Chili Powder (omit this if you want mild wings, increase for more heat)
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
3 -4 cloves garlic, put through a press twice and chopped until it's pretty much liquified.

Put all the ingredients in a saucepan.  Heat up till just simmering (DO NOT BOIL) over low heat.  Use a whisk or immersion blender to whip it up and make it a delicious saucy emulsion.   Cover, remove from heat, and let sit to come to room temperature.  Use at that point, or refrigerate until you need it.  As this is natural (not a bunch of canola oil and preservatives), it will separate.  You'll need to warm it up and whisk it again before you toss the wings in it.

As far as preparing the wings, if you suggest that I bread them, I will come there and kick you in the shins.  The only acceptable way to eat wings is to FRY THEM.  If you're trying to cut calories (aside from the fact that you shouldn't be eating something whose main ingredient is BUTTER, Y'ALL), you could bake them I guess.  But really - frying them is the way to go.  Just remember that they need to reach 180 degrees (using a meat thermometer stabbed into the meatiest part of the wing), so you don't get sick.

i have the plague

So, help me understand something.

Why is it that when MOMMY is sick, no one does a damn thing around the house?

My house was social worker clean yesterday.   We had our home study for the adoption of my stepdaughter yesterday.  We passed with flying colors, and I can only assume it's not because I'm a decent parent and shit.  Oh, no.  It was because my house was SPOTLESSLY clean for the social worker to view.  As in - she could have even opened closets and cabinets and not been pelted by an avalanche of crap.  I was so proud!

And in a scant eight hours, my children destroyed it.

My kitchen is a mess.

My living room is a mess.

Their rooms are trashed again.

WHISKEY. TANGO. FOXTROT.

Seriously, this is horrid.  Mommy just went on a congested hissyfit streak.  They're now doing the dishes.  And I may or may not kill them.

Have I mentioned that I'm overly dramatic and bitchy when I'm sick?

l. a. z. y. she ain't got no alibi

I've really been a slug lately.  Between my husband's illness, the usual chaos at work, and the family nonsense?  Compounding that with financial stress is simply just too much.  My bike is lonely, I didn't get to run the Cupcake Classic by the deadline, and I'm just pouty all around.

I've also not really cooked anything creative lately.  Mostly, I've eaten unimaginative things.  But I've still managed to put a little flair with them.

Start with this:  I like a good steak.  I prefer strip most of the time, but will eat filet or ribeye if I'm going out someplace.  I always like a starch (potato) with it, and usually mushrooms too.  And of course, there's always steak butter, y'all.

Anyhow, here's some side-dish love for ya.  I'll kick myself in the ass and make something worth writing / reading about soon.

Mushrooms:

Grab some white mushrooms or baby bellas (whatever's on sale works).  Slice them up into about 1/4" to 1/2" slices.  They don't have to be pretty or perfect.  Throw them into a bowl, and toss them with just enough EVOO to coat them.  Not too much!  Then, dump in some red wine, about 1/2 cup (4 ounces, or a bit more than half of one of the little trial size bottles).  It doesn't have to be special wine ... T-Box or the $1 Trial Sizes will be just fine.  Smoosh up a few cloves of garlic, and slice up a little bit of onion if that moves you.  And then - let them sit for at least a half hour.  Every few minutes, toss them around to be sure they're still coated.  The 'shrooms and onion will soak up some of the wine, but there will still be a little puddle at the bottom.

When you're ready to saute, throw about a tablespoon of the previously mentioned / prepared steak butter y'all into the pan, melt it (but don't let it caramelize), and then dump the whole bowl in - extra wine and all.  Simmer the mixture to reduce the red wine down, and serve on the side with your steaks.  These usually cause my youngest to say "ewww gross" (she hates mushrooms), and everyone else to say "gimme hers if she doesn't want them".

Twice-Baked Potatoes:

These are super-easy to make.  Grab some white potatoes (Yukon Golds are too soft), wash 'em, stab 'em with a fork, and bake them for about an hour at 425.  When they're done, slice them in half lengthwise, scoop out the guts using a tablespoon, and throw the potato insides into a mixing bowl (I use my kitchenaid).  Add an appropriate amount of butter y'all (the steak version works here too), and some shredded cheddar cheese (start with a cup, and increase until you reach an adequate amount of cheesyosity).  Add in just enough milk to make them smooth.  Whip the hell out of the potatoes - NO LUMPS.  Use your spoon to put the whipped potatoes back into the peels, and throw them back into the oven for about 15 or 20 minutes - the tops will start to brown just a bit.  Take them back out, top them with bacon bits and a bit more shredded cheese (if you like), and put them under the broiler to get all deliciously crispy.  Serve with sour cream.  And wine.

more crock pot goodness

While at my favorite place (Mosley's), my lovely husband spied some Italian three-cheese sausages.  Of course, he had some wrapped up for me.

As my Sundays are typically wasted by watching NFL football until my brain freezes, I wanted something easy to prepare with them.  Of course, my usual opening of the cupboards produced a can of tomatoes, a can of mushrooms, and some farfalle.  I looked in the fridge, and we had a half-jar of leftover pasta sauce. Score!

So I threw the sauce in the crock pot, drained half the juice off the tomatoes and threw them in, and then drained the liquid off of the mushrooms and threw them in too.  Stirred that up, tossed in the sausages and coated them, and set it on high for four hours.

This is the amazing deliciousness that ensued:

You know, sometimes the best meals are the ones you create by accident.  This was amazing, easy, and not terribly expensive.  The family gave it five "mmm more of that please" votes out of five.  Give it a try!

this is totally getting made in my crock pot next.

I love this site too.  Gotta go add it to my A-list.

High Heels & Grills: 8 Can Taco Soup

bawk bawk bawk

There are two things on this planet with which I am obsessed:  Chicken, and my Crock Pot.  Seriously folks, the crock pot is the lazy girl's BEST FRIEND EVAR.  How awesome is it to just throw shit in there, turn it on, and come back like four hours later to dinner?

I've been on quite the crock pot bender lately, and so I'll be sharing some of the recipes.  However, most of the time?  My crock pot happenings are because I get up and say "oh shit we need dinner, what do I have?".  Then, I open the cupboard and cuss some more.

Here's what we did yesterday.  I'm here to tell you that it was AMAZING.  And it was so easy!

I bought four leg/thigh pieces and a big bone-in breast (my husband's a boob man, what can I say) at Mosley's.  I washed them, patted them dry, and smeared a bit of butter on them, y'all.  I shook some Italian seasoning on them (oregano and the Scarborough Fair mix*), and laid the first three leg/thigh pieces meaty side down.  Then, I smooshed three cloves of garlic and cut up 1/4 of a medium-sized onion (enough to put two or thee slices on each piece of chicken).  Threw that in there, and then did the same thing with the remaining leg/thigh piece and the breast, only I layered those meat side up.  I dotted the top of those pieces with a bit of butter too, y'all.  Here's what it looked like when I was ready to put the lid on:

I then let it do its thang for about 6 hours on high.  I stabbed the meatiest part of the breast with my meat thermometer (poultry should be about 180 degrees when done), and then pulled the meat out of there.  This proved to be a challenge, because it was so well-cooked that it fell apart.

I took the drippings that were in the bottom of the crock, and made a quick gravy with them.  Here's how I make my gravy with no lumps:

Take out the drippings, and put them in a pyrex (clear glass) measure.  You're going for a total of 2 cups of liquid (drippings and milk here), so it's kind of important to know how much drippings you have to work with.  Measure out the remainder of the 2 cups' worth in milk, but DO NOT COMBINE THEM.

Throw 2 tablespoons-ish of the drippings into the bottom of a saucepan.  Turn the heat on medium-high (I use the "7" setting on my electric stove).  Have a wire whisk handy (I like a lightweight flexible one for this task).  Get some basic all-purpose flour, and sprinkle it on top of the drippings.  Quickly whisk the flour in.  This makes a roux.  Let it brown up a bit - not too dark, or it'll get weird-tasting.  Once that happens, dump in your drippings.  Whisk the hell out of it to make sure there are no lumps.  Get that warmed up, and then dump in enough milk to make a total of 2 cups of liquid.  Heat that up to a simmer, stirring almost constantly. You'll see that it thickens up nicely as it cooks down, about 10 minutes.  If you've been cooking it for a while and it's still pretty runny, add a bit more flour.  Just sprinkle it on top of the liquid, and whisk it in like it's your job.  

Got lumps?  No worries.  I highly recommend that you invest in a set of mesh strainers.  I bought this set of three for $10 from Bed Bath and Beyond, and I can't tell you how many times I've used them. If you get lumps?  Simply strain the gravy through one of those little puppies and TA DAH!  No more lumps.

I served my chicken and gravy with some mashed potatoes.  And my family was pretty happy.  I think that next time, I'll use boneless chicken ... it was a royal pain in the ass to pull the meat off the bones, so I might just pay the extra 20 cents a pound and let someone else do it for me.  They gave this meal a rating of "four cocks out of five", because of the creepy de-boning process.

* the Scarborough Fair mix = Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.

mazel tov ... and my finger got bris-ed

I didn't know this, but apparently brisket is a favorite dish of Jewish holiday seders.  Who knew?  I just enjoy eating the delicious nommy meat.  Sorry.  Catholic.

Anyhow, I decided that I was going to make a brisket yesterday.  So I wandered in to Mosley's for one of my usual trips, and said "gimme enough brisket for four people and some leftovers."  $16 and five minutes later, I had me a brisket.

And then ... the scouring of the interwebs for a good recipe began.

Here's what I came up with.  I used my crock pot, because I was going to be home all day.  After the bris of my finger, I opted to just leave the fat on it.

Mmmm, look at that delicious slab of beef!

I put it fat-side-down in my crock pot, and then prepared a delicious rub for the brisket.  Here's what I stirred together and put on the meat side (didn't touch the fat side):

1 teaspoon Kosher salt
2 teaspoons dry (ground) mustard
2 teaspoons paprika
3 cloves garlic, put through the press
ground black pepper to taste

I sprinkled the mixture all over the meat, and rubbed it in with my good hand (not the one with the gashes on it).  I made sure I got it all over the sides, too.  It was almost like a crust on the meat.  I tried to decide ... put water in?  Let the fat render down?  Dump some wine in there?  The mind boggled.  I opted for letting the fat do its thing, and didn't put any liquid in.

So I put it on low for 8 hours. And of course, this happened while I waited for the brisket to cook:

I love my Coco puppy.  

And here's what the brisket looked like when it was done:

In hindsight, I think I'd have taken it out after 6 if I had put some liquid in there.  It was so very tasty ... but it could have been tastier, I think.  I paired it with mashed Yukon Gold potatoes and handmade pan gravy.  I'll post about that separately, because I've got some great tips to reduce / eliminate lumps.

My family gave this brisket recipe a solid (but not perfect) four "Go Away Cats, This Is Tasty"'s out of five.

sand and water

Been a rough week or two in Casa de Panda.  My husband, who has some serious PTSD, lost his sole surviving relative early this week.  Pappy, his 90-year-old grandfather, was more than just a grandpa ... over the past two years, we've become his support system and his source of entertainment.  I adopted him as my grandpa too, caring for him and visiting him when Panda was too sick to go (he has a host of other health issues, on top of the PTSD).

Anyhow, it's been tough.  I've occupied nearly every free minute with trying to keep my poor husband from spiraling into a crippling depression, and that's involved a lot of cooking.  I have tons to share, so I better get typing.  However, it is very very painful.  I'll show you why, after the jump.  And be warned - photos of ouchies will be shared.  Don't whine to me if you get icked out ... I told you what was coming.

here fishy fishy

We've been on a carnivorous tear lately.  Steak, burgers, brats ... you name it, we eat it.  However, we need to back off of that a bit.

Tonight's dinner was salmon.  My husband, in all of his infinite wisdom, said it was the best dinner he's ever had.  I don't know about that, but here's what we had.

Salmon - I prefer wild-caught.  Farm-raised has a host of concerns, including a sometimes-odd taste.  So, I pay a little extra for wild-caught salmon.  I grilled salmon steaks on my trusty gas grill until a meat thermometer measured 145 in the thickest part of the meat.  Right before they were done, I brushed them with a bit of butter that I prepared with two cloves of garlic (pressed), two wedges of lemon squeezed in, some dill, and some ground pepper. 

Twice-baked potatoes - Again, I'm Irish.  Mmmmm taters.  Anyhow, I baked some regular old potatoes until they were almost done.  I cut them in half, scooped out the guts, and put them in a bowl.  I added a few handfuls of Triple Cheddar Cheese, a splash of milk, and a tablespoon of butter y'all.  I took the mixer to them until they were smooth, and then spooned it back into the potato skins.  I then baked them at 425 for about 15 or 20 minutes until the mashed potatoes were fluffy, and then finished them under the broiler to make them crispy.  I served these with some sour cream and bacon bits.

Overall, it was a good dinner.  As we get further in to fall and winter, I'll miss using my grill.  Ah, who am I kidding?  I'll just open the garage door and cook inside.

my to-do list for this weekend

potayto, pohtahto

Being of the Irish persuasion, I love me some potatoes.  I don't know that I've ever met a potato I didn't like.

However, I also am empirically lazy.  This doesn't really jive with the whole concept of peeling and cooking potatoes.

So, what's a lazy girl to do?

Make my now-infamous Lazy Girl Potatoes.

Here's what you do:

Get yourself some small potatoes. I've recently discovered the super-awesome Klondike Gourmet brand (look at the pretty colors!) ... I got them at Giant Eagle.  If you can't find any cool tiny taters, slice up some new potatoes into quarters.

Preheat your oven to 450 degrees.

Throw the raw potatoes into a bowl.  Add the following ingredients:

2 tablespoons EVOO
4-5 cloves of garlic, put through the press
a bit of sea salt and ground black peppercorns
2 tablespoons of chopped fresh rosemary leaves (discard the stalks).  If you need to use dried, cut back to about 1 1/2 tablespoons.

Toss the potatoes in the oil and spices.  Make sure that you get a good coating on everything. This is important, because there's nothing suckier than dry potatoes.  Plus, the EVOO will make the skins deliciously crispy.

Once everything is all mixed up, dump the mess into a 13x9 pan.  Throw it in the oven for about 10 minutes.  Stir to ensure a nice even coating of the sludge.  Bake until the potatoes are done ... they should be soft, but still firm.  Mooshy potatoes are disgusting, don't you agree?

Once you get them out of the oven, spoon them into a serving bowl.  Dot with some butter y'all (I use about 3/4 of a tablespoon), and drizzle with a bit of balsamic vinegar.  Toss the potatoes once again to ensure a nice even coating.  Serve hot, and watch your children try to strangle each other for the last of the little joyful spuds.

My family gave this five "I will cut you" threats out of five.

get your ass off the couch.

Part of my quest for work-life balance has been pushing myself toward better self-care.  I've gained more than 100 pounds from my pageant weight (so about 75 pounds from what is considered "healthy" for me), and that's not cool.  I mean, I don't have any problems getting attention from my husband ... but for health's sake, I should take off some of the weight.

I also have some nasty injuries to contend with - I have a all-but-blown Achilles on my left ankle, and the talo / calcaneo ligaments are also shot.  Sadly, the impact from running isn't good for my ankle.  This makes me very sad, since I really do enjoy the peace that a little road work can bring.

I've recently started riding a bike again ... found a suitable one for $40 on Craigslist, and got a $20 "my ass is too big for this" seat from Target.  I am also on MapMyRide ... check me out here.

But oh.  I still love a good run / walk.  So when Run With Jess posted this?  I was TOTES in.

You're reading that right.  Running.  With CUPCAKES.  Or for cupcakes.  What the hell ever ... it's running and cupcakes and YAY.

Here's the deal:  It's a "virtual 5K".  That's 3.1 miles for us English measurement heathens.  You can walk that far, right?  So go register.  During the time span (October 14 -21), walk, walk/run, or run 3.1 miles.  Submit your information and time, and YAY FOR YOU!  She's giving away random-draw prizes, so there's your incentive to get your ass off the couch.

About times:  Look, I'm not a speed demon.  I'm lucky to run waddle a 17-minute mile.  The point isn't how fast you can go.  The point is that you actually WENT.  Besides, even if you're doing like 20+ minute miles?  You're still lapping every lazy blob that is still on their couch.

So ... join me, cupcake.  Get involved in making your health a priority.  Be proud of yourself, take care of yourself, LOVE YOURSELF, and your work life will follow. 

i'm just one short of "crazy cat lady".

I love my pets.  In our house, we have the following menagerie:

1 dog.  Coco is a Yorkie-Bichon mix and he's just about the cutest thing going.  That's his little face on the blog's header.

3 cats.  Sammie wandered in our house two days before Panda and I went off to Jamaica and got married ... we think that her former family moved and dumped her.  She was living on bugs and rain water.  Max is adopted from the Logan County Humane Society, and he charmed me with his purrs and kitty-flops on my birthday (April 4) of 2009.  Dooney charmed Panda with his super-lovey routine and we brought him home from the LCHS too.

2 snakes.  Baby Panda (my 10 year old daughter) has an albino corn snake.  It's a lot like her ... little, fast, brightly colored, and demands attention.  Panda Jr. (my almost 13 year old step-soon-to-be-adopted daughter) has a ball python.  She's pretty shy, just like her owner.

1 praying mantis.  We had a different one, but Coco decided to knock the cage down and eat it.  No, I'm not kidding.

So yeah, we have a bit of a zoo around here.  And so it greatly upset me when I heard about this:

 

We had the Canyon Creek treats in our house, and the Beggin' Strips!  Nice.  I threw them out, because I didn't want to kill my pets.  It was a shame too, because the cats and the dog just loved them.  So, now what's a quasi-domestic furmomma to do?  Much like Cheech And Chong, I just decided that it was best to roll my own.

 

 

I'm a budget shopper.  I refuse to pay full price for just about anything (my Bowers + Wilkins subwoofer excluded).  So, I put my mad coupon skillz to good use.
 

I had a 20% off coupon to Bed Bath and Beyond.  I took my happy ass in there when they were having a sale, and I bought a dehydrator.  I did some research, and the Nesco was the best value at the sub-$100 price point.  So the regular price for the Nesco dehydrator was $59.99.  I then whipped out my 20% off coupon ... BAZINGA! I was out the door with tax and everything for less than $55.00.  And of course, I had to stop and get some meat to try it out.  My first try included some chicken breast and some stew beef.  I chopped them into thin strips, laid them out, turned on the dehydrator, and waited for the magic to happen.

And oh.  Did the magic EVER happen. 

Now, when I'm running low on treats, I stop down at Mosley's and get a pound of stew beef for about $5.  I get home, trim the fat and cut it into 1/2" pieces, and let the dehydrator do it's work for about 6-8 hours.  I then have bagfuls of treats for about $6, including the electricity it took to run the appliance. 

Not to mention ... I like to dehydrate bananas for the dog.  And the kids.  It's a quick (and cheap) treat for them.

If you have pets, and want to keep them healthy, I can't express how easy and quick it is to make your own treats.  No sodium.  No additives.  No chemicals from China that are going to kill them.  Just delicious treats, made with love by the momma.

i can just hear my ass growing. soon it will need its own zip code.

For those that don't know, my husband is referred to in my house as "Sad Panda" or just "Panda".  When he is crabby, it's "Pissy Panda".  And when I'm mad at him, it's "Dammit Panda."  Just wanted everyone to understand that I'm not talking about an overly large and lazy bear that eats bamboo and won't get busy with the hot lady bears.  I'm talking about my awesome husband.  He is not lazy, overly large, bamboo-eating, or not-busy-getting.  TMI?  Sorry about that.

Anyhow, Panda's grandfather liked to buy all sorts of crazy shit.  A grill that operated on nuclear power (OK not really, but it did require two propane tanks ...), one of those stupid Ronco rotisseries (SET IT! AND FORGET IT!), and several chain saws.  But the one thing he bought that I was very "meh" about was this Rotofryer thing.

It's made by DeLonghi.  It has a wire basket that you put down in the hot oil, and a mechanism inside the heating element makes it spin while cooking.  At first, I was all "we don't need a fryer."  Then I was all "WTF, it spins?"  And finally I was all "DUDE WE CAN FRY THAT SHIT!  WATCH THIS!"  I swear, I'm not a redneck, but the primal need to dunk things in the simmering vegetable oil is so hard to overcome. 

It's very easy to clean, too. It's got a little tube thing that comes out from under the handle (the vertical thing in the photo), and it drains into a filtering oil container.  Seriously, it rocks my socks.  I can OCD-clean the oil and wipe it out every single time I use it!  Win.

If you are a family that fries things, I highly recommend this little beauty. 

reason #1,593,824 why i love my husband.

Because he can grill like a mofo.

All kidding aside, the chicken I made tonight was exceptional.  Yes, he actually grilled it.  But I made the sauce and bought the chicken and ... well, OK.  We did it together.

First of all, I bought leg quarters.  Why, you ask?  Well, because they stay deliciously juicy on the grill.  They don't dry out like boneless/skinless breasts, which is key when you're slow-cooking the poultry.  Plus, I like dark meat and I was the one that took their ass to the meat market.  So I bought what I like best. 

Then, I busted out one of my cookbooks. I modified a sauce recipe.  Here's what I made:

COCA-COLA SWEET BBQ SAUCE

Ingredients:
1 T. Butter
1 T. EVOO (extra virgin olive oil, you heathen)
1/2 cup chopped onion
1-2 cloves garlic, minced or put through a press
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1 t. dry mustard powder
1 T. honey mustard
1 T. dijon mustard
1 cup Coca Cola (but I bet this would be good with Dr. Pepper too)
2 T. balsamic vinegar (don't cheap out on this - I prefer Fini brand.  I swear it's worth the money. That shit will change your life.)
2 T. apple cider vinegar
2 T. Worcestershire sauce (A1 will do in a pinch if you don't have any)
1/2 cup ketchup

Procedure:
Bust up a saute pan.  I have this one, and it's perfect for this recipe.  Put the butter and EVOO into the pan, and melt it on medium heat.  Throw in the onions and garlic, and cook until "wilted" (softened), about two minutes or so. 

Add in the brown sugar, dry mustard powder, honey mustard, and dijon mustard.  Heat it back up until it simmers, and cook it down till it thickens (about 20 minutes or so).  Stir it every few minutes so that it doesn't stick.  I like a silicone scraper spatula for this task.

When the sauce has thickened up, dump in the remainder of the ingredients.  Use a whisk to break up any ketchup clumps if necessary.  Simmer this down until it's the desired consistency ... again about 20 minutes or a half-hour or so.  The onions, if cut small enough, should disintegrate as they cook down.  If not, and they bother you, just pulse the cooked sauce in a food processor to blend in the onions after cooking the sauce down completely.

Use this sauce on chicken or ribs ... it's a bit too sweet for beef, and too heavy for pork chops or fish.  Get the meat nearly cooked through, and then brush this on during the last 10-15 minutes of slow grilling.  The sugars will carmelize nicely, and you'll have orgasm-worthy dinner.

I served this with some steamed red potatoes drizzled with butter, EVOO, and rosemary.  My husband made gutteral caveman noises as he gnawed on the chicken bones.  I assume this gets five "OMG MAKE THAT AGAIN"s out of five.

these are a few of my favorite things

And by that I mean ... ice cream and booze.

By now, I'm sure you know that I'm obsessed with my ice cream maker.  I got such a great deal on it, and hey ... ice cream.  Preservative and additive free.  Whenever I want it?  WIN.

So, I got bored (that's how these things always get started).  I rummaged in the fridge, and came up with some vanilla Greek yogurt, some frozen strawberries, a South Carolina sized bottle of low-proof rum (don't you judge me), and a few limes.  Huh.  What could I possibly do with this bunch of misfit food?  I KNOW!  Put it in the ice cream maker!

So, I present to you ... Strawberry Mojito Fro-Yo.

I realize that most booze won't freeze, but hey.  This was some quality stuff.  I think it may have been like, 20 proof.  So I rolled the dice.  I "sampled" the rum, and dumped the other half of the bottle in a blender.  Then I added about a cup of yogurt.  Then I added the bag of frozen strawberries (they were about a pound, it seems).  Blended till smooth, dumped in the ice cream maker.

At about that point in the photo (about ten minutes in), I was all "OH SHIT THE LIMES!"  I squeezed half of a lime into the top of the ice cream maker and prayed to baby Jeebus that this mess would come out okay.

Let me tell you - that was some of the most DIVINE stuff I've ever had.  I had to tell the kids "that's mommy's, don't eat it."  Of course, my oldest (the almost thirteen year old female garbage hole) just had to know why.  I finally told her "it's got booze in it.  And if I catch you eating it, you'll be eating from the litter box.  And since you never clean it, your ice cream will be mighty crunchy.  Got it?"

Score one for me and my stellar parenting skills.

hello, cupcake!

If you're anything like me, you have cupcake drama. I imagine that I make these amazing cupcakes that look like the ones on TV. Alas, they usually end up looking like lopsided alien pastries.

And then, I learned the trick to making consistent sized cupcakes. Use an ice cream scoop. Not the bitchin Pampered Chef one with the antifreeze in the handle. You need one of the old trigger-release kind that you get at the dollar store. Put a scoop of batter in each cup, bang the filled pans on the counter to get rid of air bubbles / even them out, and bake.

Here's a pic of my efforts this weekend. I feel wretched with a nasty head cold, but still managed to keep my habitat unfucked and my family fed. I consider that a win.

as if that's not bad enough for you

Ah yes.  Paula Deen.  Hypocrite "celebrity chef" of the highest order.  She tells you to slather everything in sugar and/or butter, and then gets the diabeetus and then sells you medication for it.

Although I don't necessarily agree with her tactics, she is right about one thing: damn if steaks aren't better with some butter on them. During one of our family trips to Walt Disney World, I discovered the joy of "steak butter" while enjoying a meal at Yachtsman Steakhouse. 

Since we've found a great local meat market with amazing steaks, I've been on a bender to find something really cool to do with them.  Sure, any idiot can grill them and throw some sauce or Mrs. Dash on them.  But it takes a real glutton to add butter to a massive New York Strip Steak.  Of course, that glutton is ME ... and I set out to make a recipe of steak butter that I really liked.

It took me a few tries, but here's what I've been using.  I served my most recent concoction tonight for my daughter's birthday dinner, and it must have been tasty.  Why, you ask?  Because as we were cleaning up the table after dinner, the dog jumped up and grabbed the two remaining pats and ran like hell.

I hope your family enjoys this awesome Garlic and Herb Steak Butter as much as mine has.

Oh and PS - you could double this recipe if you have a big family (or are having Paula Deen over for dinner).  However, the recipe as listed below topped my family's steaks tonight with some left over.  And since it's most delicious when freshly prepared, I'd advise making the recipe as-is to start.

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 stick salted butter, room temperature
1-2 cloves fresh garlic, put through a press
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
dash of freshly ground pepper
1/2 - 1 tablespoon finely chopped parsley (I prefer fresh, but dried will work - use a bit more than you would if it were fresh)


PROCEDURE:
Put the butter in a bowl.  Use the back of a large spoon (a tablespoon is best) to smash and work the butter until it is beaten smooth.  Add the garlic, Worcestershire sauce, and pepper; work in.  Once the butter is fully blended, fold in the finely chopped parsley.

Place a piece of wax paper on the counter.  Spoon the butter mixture onto it, and spread it to the desired shape.  Smooth the butter mixture, wrap in the wax paper, and place in a zippered plastic bag (lest you stink up the fridge with your garlic stank).  Refrigerate until firm, at least an hour.  Not only does this make the butter nice and stiff, it helps the flavors blend together in a magical festival of deliciousness.

When steaks are finished cooking, and right before serving them, add a pat or two (or five) of the butter on top. 

look at my weiner!

One of the things that I really enjoy is a good weiner.  I love it firm and wet and all decorated and ...

MMMM CHILI.

Get your mind out of the gutter, you dirty bird.

Last night for dinner, we made chili dogs.  Now, this isn't extraordinary ... it's not like it's hard or anything.  But there are so many families out there that eat them, and here's a few tips for delicious tube steak.

First and foremost, don't waste your time with the swill in the deli aisles.  The "skinless" crap?  Gross.  All that a skinless weiner includes is a bunch of crap ground into a slurry, pumped into a plastic sleeve, and steamed.  There's no real flavor.  And quite frankly, that's why they're cheap.


Clearly, I'm not a professional photographer.
Fuck you.

Find yourself a good butcher, preferably a local guy that sources close to home ... no cryovac frozen crap.  Here in the metro Columbus area, there are a few good butchers ... Carfagna's for Italian meats, gift baskets, and deli items / salads; Thurn's for smoked meats; and my personal favorite ... Mosley's Meat Market in Hilliard for fresh locally-sourced meats that are raised (and slaughtered) humanely.  Lucky for me, Mosley's is about four blocks from my house ... I can just stop in there on my way home and see what looks tasty that day. 

Anyhow, a good butcher will have some natural casing weiners amongst their offerings.  These are what you see hanging in the old-time (cartoon) butcher shops ... links that are connected with some sort of string.  The best ones (and the ones that Mosley's has) are delicious beef cuts, blended with seasonings, and crammed into sheep intestine.  Sounds nasty, but oh.  They're so worth it when you get them hot and slightly damp in your buns, and then SNAP when you put them in your mouth.  Also, they cost me $4.99 a pound, versus the $1 special "mystery meat" crap you get at WalMart. 

This made my husband whimper
and hold his crotch in terror.

The other trick is to do the two-step cooking process.  First step ... cook them in water that's got a little something special in it.  Everything's better with beer.  Put about a 3 part water / 1 part beer ratio of liquid in a pot, and bring it to a boil.  Any beer will do, but I usually cook with good old American Swill (aka Budweiser).  I also add a little ground pepper, because why not.

Once the water / beer mixture (AKA "Bud Light") starts boiling, drop the weiners in.  Don't molest the weiners!  Let them roll around in the water a bit.  Only poke the weiner if they are sitting in one place too long.  As they cook, you'll see them plump up a bit and fill out the casing.  Take care not to let them get overdone, as the casing will split and then you'll cry. 

Once they're done, grab a frying pan, the appropriate lid, and a bit of water.  Turn the burner on high, and get the pan hot enough where a few drops of water dance on the surface.  Put the weiners on the pan, and put about a teaspoon of water in with them.  Quickly put the lid on to keep the steam in, and roll them around a bit.  This will "scorch" the skin a bit, and make it extra snappy.

Whatever you like on your weiner, I promise you that putting a little bit of extra effort into the selection and cooking of it will pay off.  Besides, who doesn't like their weiner to be extra special?

i scream, you scream, and then i'll smack you with a stock pot for making that unholy racket.

Do you have a Big Lots near you?  We have one just a few blocks away, and let me tell ya ... there is some crazy shit in that place.  I found clothing that was clearly not meant for human consumption, odd sorts of snack foods, and aisles of uber-tacky home furnishings.

However, nestled amongst the insanity was this little gem, for the bargain price of $24.99:

Yep, that's a Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker!  Squee!  Of course, I snapped it right up.

Since then, I've been freezing everything that isn't nailed down.  However, the Vanilla Bean Supreme has been everyone's favorite.

I used this recipe from About.com, mainly because the Food Network site pissed me off.  Every time I tried to open it on my iPad, it crashed the browser.  Screw that.  I was perfectly pleased with what I used. 

As a side note, the author of the About.com recipe? Diana Rattray.  Which made me all "oooh, like the bad people that were dealing V and were going to drain Bill on True Blood before Sookie intervened.  That's a sign.  Self, you should make this one."

At any rate, here's the recipe.  My family gave it a total of five vanilla beans out of five.

Vanilla Bean Supreme Ice Cream

Ingredients:

• 7 large egg yolks
• 3/4 cup sugar
• dash salt
• 1 vanilla bean
• 2 cups half and half
• 1 1/2 cups heavy cream

Preparation:

Whisk egg yolks with sugar and salt in large bowl; set aside. Split vanilla bean lengthwise and scrape out seeds (note: it works really well if you act like you're curling Christmakwanzzakah ribbon). Combine beans, seeds, half and half and heavy cream in a large saucepan. Bring just to a simmer.

 

Gradually whisk hot cream into the egg yolk mixture. Return the mixture to the saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture thickens and coats the back of a spoon (do not let it boil - (this is 170 degrees Fahrenheit if you're all about the science like me). Strain through sieve into large bowl. Refrigerate until thoroughly chilled. Freeze in ice cream maker according to manufacturer's directions.

this is not my beautiful life

So, I'm getting old.

And I'm also getting domestic.

These two things are not mutually exclusive, I'm learning.

When I was younger, I'd often say that my best "dish" was reservations. This was very concerning to my stay-at-home mother, because she took great pride in her cooking and homemaking skills. My abject disdain for Murphy's Oil Soap was well-earned, considering the fact that I got to scrub woodwork every time I mouthed off.

Anyhow, as I've gotten older, I've found that I actually like having a lovely home. My last townhouse was small and in a neighborhood that we really didn't like. It was cluttered, never kept clean, and just was not someplace that I enjoyed living.  We have since moved out to the outskirts of the Metro Columbus area, and into a home that we really cherish. Also, another reason I've gotten so domestic? The website called Unfuck Your Habitat.  Seriously, it was just the motivation I needed to change my life.

As part of my life makeover, I've found that I really enjoy cooking.  Like, REALLY enjoy it.  I started clogging up my Facebook timeline with my obsessive-compulsive posts about my ice cream maker and my tasty dinners ... so I figured I'd take the talk over here.